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THE IMPORTANCE OF YIELDING
IN MARRIAGE |
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I am reminded every day that couples are made miserable by
conflict. They come to my office complaining that they argue too frequently,
too fiercely, too trivially, and too ineffectively. They say, "We
have trouble communicating," but many of them communicate too much.
At this point in their marriage they are chronically competing over
who can get some power and love. Each partner feels that the other
does not give them what they want. Anything they get must be fought
for. They both feel depleted by the constant strain of fighting. They
are overly-sensitive to any little thing their partner says or does
that highlights the differences between them. They have reached a
condition of mutual disgust, and no longer refrain from expressing
their differences freely. In this angry state they talk too much.
What they mean by, "We can't communicate," is, "I can't get my spouse
to agree with me." |
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What they both fail to realize is, the anger
must go away first, before problem-solving and, "communicating," can
begin. So how can couples get rid of their anger? In one way only
- by yielding. The benefits of yielding are many. Do you want to love
your spouse? Then quit waiting for him or her to love you first, and
start loving. A happy spouse is the best thing you could hope for.
Your own imagination tells you that. When you give to your spouse,
your spouse grows more generous, and is inclined to give more to you.
Also of great interest is that personal growth is propelled by yielding.
You learn about yourself, your spouse, and the quality of your marriage
by yielding. You learn nothing by making a fight. |
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The question always comes up, "Who goes first?"
And its corollary, "What if I wind up doing all the yielding?" The
answer is, if you want to be happy, get started. Don't keep score.
Take the long view in looking for balance. I advise people it's a
good idea to give in to whoever feels stronger about an issue, but
that's an advanced technique. For now you should both just practice
yielding. I also tell people that until they learn yielding, nothing
else can change. Think about this: meaningful problem-solving over
actual issues depends upon each person's knowing that the other might
yield. Without that possibility, there is no communication. People
do at times force others to do things, but we don't call that a marriage. |
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---- Mark Vlosky |
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